(Cisano, Lake Garda, at dusk)
For many women doing what we want can be unnerving. It’s like crossing a road except we’re not looking right and left and right again we’re looking for a child, or a husband, or a patient, or a student… anyone who might need us before we can step forward. Girls are trained to put other people first and professions like motherhood (it is one) or nursing or secretarying hone that training to the point that even when there’s no-one else for a fifty-mile radius we still struggle with feelings of selfishness if we do what we like. If that’s you then pretend there’s a Lollipop Lady in front of you holding out a big STOP lolly and call it cognitive behavioural therapy. Say to her, “Fancy a cuppa?” and you can tell her anything you like over that cuppa because she’s another woman so she’s interested and she’s also a figment of your imagination so she won’t tell your sister or cast it all up later. The first step to doing what you want is to have space to daydream, to let your mind wander, and to wander along with it because how else will you know what you really want to do if you don’t dream?
I practised mild aversion therapy on myself. I made a cup of coffee or even, yes, a gin and tonic, and forced myself to sit in the garden or at a window with a view. No thinking. No planning. Just sitting. Then gradually when I got used to having a bit of space and no parent or boss or client appeared I began to think it might be alright to get up and do something. Just for me. That’s how I started making rings and hats. One day sitting in the do-nothing chair watching the jostle and bustle at the bird feeder I began to feel antsy. Surely there was someone I needed to phone? Or ironing to do. I should really tidy the kitchen cupboards before the visitors arrived. What if they needed some brown rice flour in the middle of the night and saw the state of them? I would be mortified. So I grabbed the button box and organised the buttons into piles on the table because it was totally unnecessary and I found a few black and silver glass buttons I remembered from childhood. I had some 14g sterling silver wire so off I went and made a ring that gets an awful lot of compliments.
You can do what you want and the world won’t end.
Unless what you want is to sneak into Mr Putin’s or Mr Trump’s office and press a red button.